August 3, 4:00 AM, 2005 - Age 13.
Selena's spending the night. She's asleep.
Oh my god. My life is so different.
Okay, the day I got back from Mexico I called Jared, and that phone call changed everything.
Here's how it mainly went (I'm skipping or changing some parts I'm unsure of):
Jared: Hi Katie, what's up?
Katie: Nothing I'm just really bored. I just got home.
Jared: Did you get home today?
Katie: That's what I just said.
Jared: Oh. That means Ashley lied. She said you got back yesterday.
Katie: Whatever.
Jared: So how was your trip to Mexico?
Katie: Horrible. It was extremely boring and I didn't have that great a time.
Jared: Oh. Listen, there's... something we need to talk about.
Katie: Like what?
Jared: I'll tell you later.
Katie: No, tell me now.
Jared: But you just got back.
Katie: So?
Jared: Fine. Okay. Well, I like Vivian.
Katie: (sarcatically) Nooo....
Jared: I know.
Katie: Wait, you like her more than me?
Jared: *sigh* I guess you could say that.
Katie: (shocked and terrified) You like her more than me?
Jared: Well, I've known her longer than I knew you really. And when I came here... she was one of my first friends. And I talked to my parents about it. They said if I felt this way, that I should break up with you.
Katie: (near tears but trying to hide it) So... that's it? It's over? Because you love Vivian more?
Jared: Well, I'm gonna think about it. I'll call you tonight to tell you, okay?
Katie: 'kay. Bye.
I hung up, confused. Honestly, how can he like her more than me. I'm not conceited or anything, but I'm so much... better than her. She's nice, but not that pretty. Me and my friends are guessing this: he's mentally retarded, he thinks she's prettier, and he thinks he can get a little sum'm-sum'm from her.
Well, I was pretty sure it was over. And when Vivian rejects him (which she'd better), I ain't taking him back.
Like I always do when I'm depressed, I opened a Princess Diaries book and read.
And I realized something: we were in a Mia-Kenny situation. I'm Kenny. And he always liked Vivian more than me. Meanwhile, I could tell his thoughts were on someone else.
I felt bad for Kenny.
But this isn't exactly like that. Mia never felt anything for Kenny. She couldn't help it.
Jared can. It isn't his mind. He doesn't know - he doesn't understand - the conditions of love. He doesn't know love itself as a matter of fact. He's shallow. He has sexual urges. He broke up with me because I wasn't giving him what he wanted. He supposed Vivian, another "pretty" girl, would give it to him. Kenny was in love with Mia. Jared was just horny. I think he's addicted to porn.
Anyway, then I got all pissed and felt dislike for him. Like I wanted revenge. Which I don't know what it is, but I have an imagination.
***
Oh good grief. What is this "conditions of love" bullshit? And what is this shit about him being shallow when I'm the one having a hard time grasping how he likes a girl I don't perceive as pretty (as if that's the only reason he'd want to be with her)? I don't think I gave him enough credit. Yes he was horny, but I doubt he broke up with me simply because I wouldn't put out. And I bet he even realized that Vivian probably wouldn't go for him. It was probably a cover.
I'm actually a bit disturbed as I read this. There was definitely something very jacked up about the way I perceived things.
January 12, 2012
(41) Summer Before Eighth Grade
July 23, Time IDK, 2005 - Age 13.
Flies are so annoying!
And so are my bangs!
And so is my mom trying to make me be less serious.
I don't know what's wrong with myself. Whenever I go to the plaza with my Mexican friends, a lot of teen guys whistle at me. And since I used to always think I was the most hideous thing in the universe and beyond, you know, I like it kinda, and cuz I love being in the spotlight. So they whistle, and I do my hairflip and the I'm-too-good-for-you-besides-I-have-a-boyfriend expression. Even though, I always try to get them to follow me in hope the hottest one would let me make out with him. I know, I know, it's become obvious that I'm a kiss-a-holic. But you know, who doesn't like it.
Okay, so then I sit at a bench, just acting cool and looking around, picking out hotties. Only then I see a group of dudes who were checking me out being talked to by a pair of chicks, and I get all pissed and want them to go away, and stop taking their attention. Then I see guys catcalling a hot chick, and I suddenly hate her and want to run at her with a knife, assuming she's like those bitches who tortured me over the years, like that bitch Ana. And Loren. You know? So the fact I get jealous so easily scares me, and I don't think I AM the kind of girl who should be her ex's best friend. I'm the kind of girl who'd make the ex suffer the rest of his life, never forgiving him for stealing my heart, not returning it for like a year, and then stomping all over it.
So that's one reason why I'm scared of myself.
Another reason is that it takes so much more to get me to really laugh. In like 6th and 7th grade, I laughed at the stupidest, simplest, everyday things. Like whenever somebody said "pudding," "bellybutton," or "fucktard," I'd laugh like a nut. Now I laugh at almost nothing. Only the funniest jokes ever that the whole world would laugh at can make me laugh.
And I barely smile that much. Because, due to my amount of excessive daydreaming and need for drama, I'm always bored.
Plus, I'm so impatient. If my mom or dad ask me if I'm hungry more than once while I'm listening to my CD player, I throw my headphones off and narl at them, saying, "I already TOLD you. I'M NOT HUNGRY!" through gritted teeth.
I'm starting to agree with Selena and Amy about myself: I'm very cruel to my parents. They out of their way trying to cheer me up. And I return it with a nasty attitude.
Like sometimes, my mom comes from the store with a candy for me. And you know what I do sometimes? I throw the candy back at her with a cold hard face and yell, "I DON'T LIKE THIS KIND!!! And if I wanted candy, I would have told you so!"
I swear, I hate myself. I really, really do.
***
So maybe by now, you're getting a grasp of how psychologically disturbed I was (and always have been). I didn't know how to get positive attention, so I sought attention any way I could no matter if it was good or bad. When I was angry, I wanted everyone around me to suffer as much as I did. Perhaps it made me feel less alone.
I can't even remember liking kissing that much that I would hook up with a random stranger. It might've been a lie that I was able to tell even to myself. Need for attention was all it ever was. The confused logic of, "I don't love myself, so I should get others to make me feel loved any way I can."
Flies are so annoying!
And so are my bangs!
And so is my mom trying to make me be less serious.
I don't know what's wrong with myself. Whenever I go to the plaza with my Mexican friends, a lot of teen guys whistle at me. And since I used to always think I was the most hideous thing in the universe and beyond, you know, I like it kinda, and cuz I love being in the spotlight. So they whistle, and I do my hairflip and the I'm-too-good-for-you-besides-I-have-a-boyfriend expression. Even though, I always try to get them to follow me in hope the hottest one would let me make out with him. I know, I know, it's become obvious that I'm a kiss-a-holic. But you know, who doesn't like it.
Okay, so then I sit at a bench, just acting cool and looking around, picking out hotties. Only then I see a group of dudes who were checking me out being talked to by a pair of chicks, and I get all pissed and want them to go away, and stop taking their attention. Then I see guys catcalling a hot chick, and I suddenly hate her and want to run at her with a knife, assuming she's like those bitches who tortured me over the years, like that bitch Ana. And Loren. You know? So the fact I get jealous so easily scares me, and I don't think I AM the kind of girl who should be her ex's best friend. I'm the kind of girl who'd make the ex suffer the rest of his life, never forgiving him for stealing my heart, not returning it for like a year, and then stomping all over it.
So that's one reason why I'm scared of myself.
Another reason is that it takes so much more to get me to really laugh. In like 6th and 7th grade, I laughed at the stupidest, simplest, everyday things. Like whenever somebody said "pudding," "bellybutton," or "fucktard," I'd laugh like a nut. Now I laugh at almost nothing. Only the funniest jokes ever that the whole world would laugh at can make me laugh.
And I barely smile that much. Because, due to my amount of excessive daydreaming and need for drama, I'm always bored.
Plus, I'm so impatient. If my mom or dad ask me if I'm hungry more than once while I'm listening to my CD player, I throw my headphones off and narl at them, saying, "I already TOLD you. I'M NOT HUNGRY!" through gritted teeth.
I'm starting to agree with Selena and Amy about myself: I'm very cruel to my parents. They out of their way trying to cheer me up. And I return it with a nasty attitude.
Like sometimes, my mom comes from the store with a candy for me. And you know what I do sometimes? I throw the candy back at her with a cold hard face and yell, "I DON'T LIKE THIS KIND!!! And if I wanted candy, I would have told you so!"
I swear, I hate myself. I really, really do.
***
So maybe by now, you're getting a grasp of how psychologically disturbed I was (and always have been). I didn't know how to get positive attention, so I sought attention any way I could no matter if it was good or bad. When I was angry, I wanted everyone around me to suffer as much as I did. Perhaps it made me feel less alone.
I can't even remember liking kissing that much that I would hook up with a random stranger. It might've been a lie that I was able to tell even to myself. Need for attention was all it ever was. The confused logic of, "I don't love myself, so I should get others to make me feel loved any way I can."
(40) Summer Before Eighth Grade
July 22, 5:47 PM, 2005 - Age 13.
When we drove through Zacatecas, I was thinking about how Jared kept calling everyone for Vivian's number when we broke up. He called me a gazillion times asking, "Do you know Vivian's number?" Then he called me again to say, "Are you sure that was it?"
Call 3:
"She's not answering. What's her cell?"
"That was her cell," I told Jared, irritated.
Call 4:
"What's her mom's name? Cuz I'm looking through the phone book."
"Jared, her parents aren't together. Her mom's last name isn't Z."
Call 5:
"What is it?"
"I don't know, Jared."
Call 6:
"I called her cell again and she didn't answer."
"Maybe it hasn't occurred to you that she's NOT THERE," I say coolly.
Then my mom says later, "Jared is so annoying. He called her 4x looking for Vivian's phone number."
I just shrugged, but I felt my head explode. WAS HE THAT DESPERATE? God DAMN! He barely got dumped the day before by me! I think he has to have a girl by his side or something.
Next time he called, I shoulda said, "Jared! I'm your ex girlfriend by ONE DAY! What the hell do you think you're doing, asking me for a girl's number who I know perfectly you're in love with her? I know she's not going to want to go out with you Jared. It's a rule of femininity that one should not go out with a friend's ex. And Vivian isn't an exception to this rule. Anyway, she even told me that you bug the crap out of her." And then I shoulda slammed the phone down and remained broken up with him.
Only then the only guy left I want to be with is RJ, and his girlfriend is Ashley, not only one of my best friends, but the toughest girl I know. She scares me. I've gotta ask her if she'd be alright with it.
Maybe if I started crying and said, "Ashley, the guy I'm in love with is your boyfriend! But you hate him, and I don't see why I shouldn't be with him, because I really love him! Please don't hate me or get mad. But if you don't want me with him I won't be! I just wanted to let you know who the one I really love is, because you're my best friend, and I'm supposed to tell you everything! And it's an excuse to break up with him! You can tell your mom that I really did love him, and you thought it'd be fair if you just gave the boyfriend you hate to me. And you can still have your quincenera."
Yeah, I KNOW RJ has small lips! And his teeth aren't perfect like Jared's. But who cares? It's the fact that whenever he calls me, I can't stop smiling, and he is fun to talk to. But with Jared... well, I see his number on the caller ID and I answer it, he immediately starts telling the gayest jokes, telling me how he thinks Vivian's hot (he must have a vision problem) but he thinks I'm hotter (who isn't, really?), and telling me about how he was "sitting on a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos" the other day (which is supposed to be a joke he finds hilarious. I never found it funny, and I found it less funny after the billionth time he told me).
RJ, meanwhile....*sighs dreamily* well, he goes out of his way to please Ashley, even though the only thing she gives to him is hatred and verbal abuse. They were together 2 days - 2 DAYS - and he gives her the PRETTIEST necklace! And I bet he doesn't go telling Ashley he thinks other girls are hot.
And after Jared, I know that I have to put him on check and lay the conditions out for him.
Like, for instance, he can't be afraid of PDA, and to prove that, he has to put his arm around me in the mornings and kiss me every day after school. And not in the bushes like me and Jared, but against the wall near the orchestra room, like that Chelsea bitch and her boyfriend.
And, for obvious reasons, he can't flirt with or fancy any girl but me. And if he does, he can't flirt with her around me, and he can't tell me he fancies her. And I'll tell him that if he does this for me, I'll repay him with more love he's ever felt.
Although I love him a lot already, but not like he knows.
Because if he finds out, he'll dump Ashley and come for me, and she'd hate me for sure.
I have to talk to her about it first. If she approves, I'll dump Jared, tell Vivian to ask him out, and get with RJ.
And everyone will live happily ever after.
Except maybe Jared'll realize Vivian's not right for him, and he'll want me back, but I'll be too busy with RJ to even notice him.
I feel evil thinking about treating Jared like that. I mean, he's a very nice guy. And he's been through a lot.
The minute I get home, I'm putting the plan into action.
***
I can't even fathom that I ever thought this way. That's just what love is for a 13-year-old: it isn't true, and it is entirely conditional. It is middle school after all, and guys that age are obviously after just one thing.
Neither Jared or RJ were in love with me (I mean, just look over this entry and the past ones and tell me how anybody could love that person?), they were in love with my tits.
Not that I minded, being probably just as horny as they were. Thing is, I got off to a mere kiss. Everything had to be "special." It all had to be written in the stars. Even though at this point, despite having had a boyfriend for about seven months, I had never encountered a single moment of romance with Jared or anybody. A girl could dream.
I didn't have any standards even in my dreams. That's the problem.
When we drove through Zacatecas, I was thinking about how Jared kept calling everyone for Vivian's number when we broke up. He called me a gazillion times asking, "Do you know Vivian's number?" Then he called me again to say, "Are you sure that was it?"
Call 3:
"She's not answering. What's her cell?"
"That was her cell," I told Jared, irritated.
Call 4:
"What's her mom's name? Cuz I'm looking through the phone book."
"Jared, her parents aren't together. Her mom's last name isn't Z."
Call 5:
"What is it?"
"I don't know, Jared."
Call 6:
"I called her cell again and she didn't answer."
"Maybe it hasn't occurred to you that she's NOT THERE," I say coolly.
Then my mom says later, "Jared is so annoying. He called her 4x looking for Vivian's phone number."
I just shrugged, but I felt my head explode. WAS HE THAT DESPERATE? God DAMN! He barely got dumped the day before by me! I think he has to have a girl by his side or something.
Next time he called, I shoulda said, "Jared! I'm your ex girlfriend by ONE DAY! What the hell do you think you're doing, asking me for a girl's number who I know perfectly you're in love with her? I know she's not going to want to go out with you Jared. It's a rule of femininity that one should not go out with a friend's ex. And Vivian isn't an exception to this rule. Anyway, she even told me that you bug the crap out of her." And then I shoulda slammed the phone down and remained broken up with him.
Only then the only guy left I want to be with is RJ, and his girlfriend is Ashley, not only one of my best friends, but the toughest girl I know. She scares me. I've gotta ask her if she'd be alright with it.
Maybe if I started crying and said, "Ashley, the guy I'm in love with is your boyfriend! But you hate him, and I don't see why I shouldn't be with him, because I really love him! Please don't hate me or get mad. But if you don't want me with him I won't be! I just wanted to let you know who the one I really love is, because you're my best friend, and I'm supposed to tell you everything! And it's an excuse to break up with him! You can tell your mom that I really did love him, and you thought it'd be fair if you just gave the boyfriend you hate to me. And you can still have your quincenera."
Yeah, I KNOW RJ has small lips! And his teeth aren't perfect like Jared's. But who cares? It's the fact that whenever he calls me, I can't stop smiling, and he is fun to talk to. But with Jared... well, I see his number on the caller ID and I answer it, he immediately starts telling the gayest jokes, telling me how he thinks Vivian's hot (he must have a vision problem) but he thinks I'm hotter (who isn't, really?), and telling me about how he was "sitting on a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos" the other day (which is supposed to be a joke he finds hilarious. I never found it funny, and I found it less funny after the billionth time he told me).
RJ, meanwhile....*sighs dreamily* well, he goes out of his way to please Ashley, even though the only thing she gives to him is hatred and verbal abuse. They were together 2 days - 2 DAYS - and he gives her the PRETTIEST necklace! And I bet he doesn't go telling Ashley he thinks other girls are hot.
And after Jared, I know that I have to put him on check and lay the conditions out for him.
Like, for instance, he can't be afraid of PDA, and to prove that, he has to put his arm around me in the mornings and kiss me every day after school. And not in the bushes like me and Jared, but against the wall near the orchestra room, like that Chelsea bitch and her boyfriend.
And, for obvious reasons, he can't flirt with or fancy any girl but me. And if he does, he can't flirt with her around me, and he can't tell me he fancies her. And I'll tell him that if he does this for me, I'll repay him with more love he's ever felt.
Although I love him a lot already, but not like he knows.
Because if he finds out, he'll dump Ashley and come for me, and she'd hate me for sure.
I have to talk to her about it first. If she approves, I'll dump Jared, tell Vivian to ask him out, and get with RJ.
And everyone will live happily ever after.
Except maybe Jared'll realize Vivian's not right for him, and he'll want me back, but I'll be too busy with RJ to even notice him.
I feel evil thinking about treating Jared like that. I mean, he's a very nice guy. And he's been through a lot.
The minute I get home, I'm putting the plan into action.
***
I can't even fathom that I ever thought this way. That's just what love is for a 13-year-old: it isn't true, and it is entirely conditional. It is middle school after all, and guys that age are obviously after just one thing.
Neither Jared or RJ were in love with me (I mean, just look over this entry and the past ones and tell me how anybody could love that person?), they were in love with my tits.
Not that I minded, being probably just as horny as they were. Thing is, I got off to a mere kiss. Everything had to be "special." It all had to be written in the stars. Even though at this point, despite having had a boyfriend for about seven months, I had never encountered a single moment of romance with Jared or anybody. A girl could dream.
I didn't have any standards even in my dreams. That's the problem.
It's Been Years!
I started this blog when I was 16. I am now 19. I came back because I'm bored with life and some people are still interested in knowing what happens next, I guess.
September 29, 2009
Update!
Sorry, I haven't been keeping up! I have no excuses other than I completely forgot about it. It's not really a priority - as you should know from reading these, I have a life! But the good news is that I have written some more quality journal entries! However, they will not be made public for a LONG time. Nobody as of present must be allowed to read them or my life will be over.
June 23, 2009
(38) Summer Before Eighth Grade
July 11, 5:00 PM, 2005 - Age 13.
I have a new worst fear. Well, I don't really I had a worst fear. I mean, nothing serious, like this.
And okay, this only happens to 1 out of every 1000 women. And it probably wouldn't even be possible till I'm around 30.
I'm afraid of postpartum depression. That's when you have a baby, but then you start having visions about hurting it. Then you ignore and it try not to go anywhere near it. And when you have to take it somewhere, you try to avoid driving near things like lakes, to keep yourself from killing your baby and yourself by driving into it.
Nothing's worse than that.
Except, of course, postpartum psychosis, which means you truly go insane and possibly actually harm or kill your kid. Like this one chick who cut her baby's arms off. And another lady who drowned her 5 kids in the tub one by one.
Oh my god, that's horrible. How can rape be some girls' worst fear, like Larissa's? This is so much worse.
Okay, this is sick and wrong, but if a dude raped me, I'd tell him that if he does it nicely, I'll enjoy it, and he'll get so much more of it. Well, it'd be so hard to do it if the dude was disgusting.
But I mean, in Degrassi, Page was raped by this total hottie - was Dean his name? - and she used to like him before he did it, and then she got all paranoid and finally sued the bastard. But I mean, I'd personally have taken full advantage of the situation. If a hot dude like that got on top of me and forced me, I'd tell him he doesn't have to. Better to enjoy it than to let it ruin your life. Unless he's big, fat, and ugly with a gun.
But Paige had it easy! He was hot, they were at the right place (a bedroom), and he didn't even have a weapon! I mean, if she went along with it, it could have been the best night of her life. And Dean was nice enough to use a condom!
But anyway, PPD is my worst fear. It doesn't only put your life at risk, but your innocent child's!
Oh my god! Ha! When I was young and stupid, I went to after-school Bible studies which was pretty fun actually, and I actually thought the word "child" was pronounced "chilled." Like, you know you say "children?" So yeah.
***
That's pretty funny. I mean first of all, I was totally naive about the rape thing. Not that I don't feel somewhat similarly now. I mean, if I was raped and was left alive and totally uninjured, I'd just be thankful for my life and move on. In fact, I said this once on another blog, and I got in trouble for it by a girl who'd actually been in that situation. But I mean, just because I have more resiliency than she does doesn't give her the right to yell at me. Anyway, what I failed to realize when I wrote this was that men (or even women) who rape don't do it for sex, they do it for control. So just giving them the sex without resistance or even fear would probably piss them off even more. Then they might, like, chain you to the wall and keep you as their sex slave, like what happened to that one girl who was on Oprah.
And I got the postpartum idea from Oprah too. Even though I'm totally sure it will never happen to me. I like kids too much. All this tells me is one thing: I need to stop watching that show.
I have a new worst fear. Well, I don't really I had a worst fear. I mean, nothing serious, like this.
And okay, this only happens to 1 out of every 1000 women. And it probably wouldn't even be possible till I'm around 30.
I'm afraid of postpartum depression. That's when you have a baby, but then you start having visions about hurting it. Then you ignore and it try not to go anywhere near it. And when you have to take it somewhere, you try to avoid driving near things like lakes, to keep yourself from killing your baby and yourself by driving into it.
Nothing's worse than that.
Except, of course, postpartum psychosis, which means you truly go insane and possibly actually harm or kill your kid. Like this one chick who cut her baby's arms off. And another lady who drowned her 5 kids in the tub one by one.
Oh my god, that's horrible. How can rape be some girls' worst fear, like Larissa's? This is so much worse.
Okay, this is sick and wrong, but if a dude raped me, I'd tell him that if he does it nicely, I'll enjoy it, and he'll get so much more of it. Well, it'd be so hard to do it if the dude was disgusting.
But I mean, in Degrassi, Page was raped by this total hottie - was Dean his name? - and she used to like him before he did it, and then she got all paranoid and finally sued the bastard. But I mean, I'd personally have taken full advantage of the situation. If a hot dude like that got on top of me and forced me, I'd tell him he doesn't have to. Better to enjoy it than to let it ruin your life. Unless he's big, fat, and ugly with a gun.
But Paige had it easy! He was hot, they were at the right place (a bedroom), and he didn't even have a weapon! I mean, if she went along with it, it could have been the best night of her life. And Dean was nice enough to use a condom!
But anyway, PPD is my worst fear. It doesn't only put your life at risk, but your innocent child's!
Oh my god! Ha! When I was young and stupid, I went to after-school Bible studies which was pretty fun actually, and I actually thought the word "child" was pronounced "chilled." Like, you know you say "children?" So yeah.
***
That's pretty funny. I mean first of all, I was totally naive about the rape thing. Not that I don't feel somewhat similarly now. I mean, if I was raped and was left alive and totally uninjured, I'd just be thankful for my life and move on. In fact, I said this once on another blog, and I got in trouble for it by a girl who'd actually been in that situation. But I mean, just because I have more resiliency than she does doesn't give her the right to yell at me. Anyway, what I failed to realize when I wrote this was that men (or even women) who rape don't do it for sex, they do it for control. So just giving them the sex without resistance or even fear would probably piss them off even more. Then they might, like, chain you to the wall and keep you as their sex slave, like what happened to that one girl who was on Oprah.
And I got the postpartum idea from Oprah too. Even though I'm totally sure it will never happen to me. I like kids too much. All this tells me is one thing: I need to stop watching that show.
May 30, 2009
(37) Summer Before Eighth Grade
July 10, 12:05 AM, 2005 - Age 13.
Today was the weirdest day of my life. I don't know if this is all a dream. Really, it's that weird.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Okay, so I didn't talk to Jared. But I mean, how could I? There totally wasn't a right time to. Who cares about that anyway? I'm starting from the beginning of Catie's party.
Well, we were all being gay in the party room. Gina was making fun of Jared, and he got pissed off. The people who went were me, Ashley, Jared, Gina, and some of Catie's cousins and relatives, plus her parents, bro, and stepdad.
Anyway, then we went to the game area. Me and the girls went on the bumper cars. Unfortunately, the line stopped at Jared, so he ended up going with these two little girls. He was so POed when he got off, because he was embarrassed, and he kept shouting at us all because we were yelling things like, "Go Jared!" which embarrassed him more. Huh, I felt his pain. So while they wandered off to do their own thing, I stood there with jared, who was still swearing, and just looked at him understandingly, then said in a calm, soft voice, "Come on, let's go back to the room," where they were soon about to cut the cake.
I don't know why, but whenever Jared suddenly holds my hand, my insides are twisted inside out by passion, and my eyes fill up with tears, since I get so overwhelmed in love. It's really weird. Then I breathe slowly (and secretly) while looking everywhere at Jared. Why should I look at him or talk to him, since the way he messes with my fingers and rubs my hands with his thumbs seem to say it all?
Anyway, after cake and presents, and Jared and everyone went back to play games, where Jared was losing his patience big time. I swear, I was so calm people would think I was mute. And I tried to speak as soothingly as possible to make Jared cool off himself.
Finally, my mom comes. I couldn't wait for the ride home. Honestly, I didn't come for the party. I came for the rides. Although the ride there wasn't so great, since I was sitting in the front, and it was the car with my dad.
So we sit in the back of the van. I'm in the middle seat, he's on my right behind the other seat. So if we held hands, my mom wouldn't be able to tell (not like she'd care about that).
During the whole ride practically, Jared keeps saying, "Can I please take it out?" God an idea what IT is? Yeah.
He kept unzipping his pants, but then I'd pull his hands away from that area. When he told me to touch it through his pants though, I did. I just wasn't ready to touch the REAL thing. You know?
Well, like 1/3 into the car ride, I said "no" like really harshly, too harshly. Stronger than I wanted. Then he looked upset. I don't know if he was going to cry, but he just looked hurt.
So to apologize, I smiled at him and put my arm around his shoulder, then ran my ringers down his shirt as far as they could go. he smiled, and I felt relief. And I also felt like kissing him.
Just as we were nearing the H-E-B by my house, he put his hands near his area again.
"Jared," I warned him, trying to pull his hand away.
"No, I'm just going to put it back in."
"It's out?" I gasped. Since his hot button-up Hawaiian shirt was kinda covering that area, I couldn't tell.
So he had to lift his shirt right, and guess what?
I TOTALLY SAW IT!
In shock, I glanced back at Jared's face, which was smiling. "See it?"
"Yeah..."
"Like it?"
I felt myself go red. Cuz I did. I liked it. All those wasted months!
So I said yes, of course.
Then he tried to get me to touch it. That I totally would not fall for. Only now I wish I had. Hehe. Then he said why not. And I said because. And he asked what he has to do. And I say kiss me. And he suddenly starts making out with me.
It was so cool!
I liked IT!
***
Well as you can see, a certain time period went by and Jared and I got together again. I think we were broken up for two days. I think I was at my cousin Larissa's house when I called him, and he begged for me back, and I was like, "Hell yes."
But yuck, what a creeper! This is definitely sexual harassment, even if I told myself I liked it. But I think I really was lying to myself. I mean, I wasn't too freaked out or anything, but it was just like, whatever. Penises aren't that great, of course. Especially when you're 12 years old and your hairy prepubescent boyfriend whips it out.
But this is nothing compared to stuff I'd get into later on. But unfortunately, not that much later from this point in time.
Today was the weirdest day of my life. I don't know if this is all a dream. Really, it's that weird.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Okay, so I didn't talk to Jared. But I mean, how could I? There totally wasn't a right time to. Who cares about that anyway? I'm starting from the beginning of Catie's party.
Well, we were all being gay in the party room. Gina was making fun of Jared, and he got pissed off. The people who went were me, Ashley, Jared, Gina, and some of Catie's cousins and relatives, plus her parents, bro, and stepdad.
Anyway, then we went to the game area. Me and the girls went on the bumper cars. Unfortunately, the line stopped at Jared, so he ended up going with these two little girls. He was so POed when he got off, because he was embarrassed, and he kept shouting at us all because we were yelling things like, "Go Jared!" which embarrassed him more. Huh, I felt his pain. So while they wandered off to do their own thing, I stood there with jared, who was still swearing, and just looked at him understandingly, then said in a calm, soft voice, "Come on, let's go back to the room," where they were soon about to cut the cake.
I don't know why, but whenever Jared suddenly holds my hand, my insides are twisted inside out by passion, and my eyes fill up with tears, since I get so overwhelmed in love. It's really weird. Then I breathe slowly (and secretly) while looking everywhere at Jared. Why should I look at him or talk to him, since the way he messes with my fingers and rubs my hands with his thumbs seem to say it all?
Anyway, after cake and presents, and Jared and everyone went back to play games, where Jared was losing his patience big time. I swear, I was so calm people would think I was mute. And I tried to speak as soothingly as possible to make Jared cool off himself.
Finally, my mom comes. I couldn't wait for the ride home. Honestly, I didn't come for the party. I came for the rides. Although the ride there wasn't so great, since I was sitting in the front, and it was the car with my dad.
So we sit in the back of the van. I'm in the middle seat, he's on my right behind the other seat. So if we held hands, my mom wouldn't be able to tell (not like she'd care about that).
During the whole ride practically, Jared keeps saying, "Can I please take it out?" God an idea what IT is? Yeah.
He kept unzipping his pants, but then I'd pull his hands away from that area. When he told me to touch it through his pants though, I did. I just wasn't ready to touch the REAL thing. You know?
Well, like 1/3 into the car ride, I said "no" like really harshly, too harshly. Stronger than I wanted. Then he looked upset. I don't know if he was going to cry, but he just looked hurt.
So to apologize, I smiled at him and put my arm around his shoulder, then ran my ringers down his shirt as far as they could go. he smiled, and I felt relief. And I also felt like kissing him.
Just as we were nearing the H-E-B by my house, he put his hands near his area again.
"Jared," I warned him, trying to pull his hand away.
"No, I'm just going to put it back in."
"It's out?" I gasped. Since his hot button-up Hawaiian shirt was kinda covering that area, I couldn't tell.
So he had to lift his shirt right, and guess what?
I TOTALLY SAW IT!
In shock, I glanced back at Jared's face, which was smiling. "See it?"
"Yeah..."
"Like it?"
I felt myself go red. Cuz I did. I liked it. All those wasted months!
So I said yes, of course.
Then he tried to get me to touch it. That I totally would not fall for. Only now I wish I had. Hehe. Then he said why not. And I said because. And he asked what he has to do. And I say kiss me. And he suddenly starts making out with me.
It was so cool!
I liked IT!
***
Well as you can see, a certain time period went by and Jared and I got together again. I think we were broken up for two days. I think I was at my cousin Larissa's house when I called him, and he begged for me back, and I was like, "Hell yes."
But yuck, what a creeper! This is definitely sexual harassment, even if I told myself I liked it. But I think I really was lying to myself. I mean, I wasn't too freaked out or anything, but it was just like, whatever. Penises aren't that great, of course. Especially when you're 12 years old and your hairy prepubescent boyfriend whips it out.
But this is nothing compared to stuff I'd get into later on. But unfortunately, not that much later from this point in time.
May 13, 2009
(36) Summer Before Eighth Grade
July 5, 12: 49 PM, 2005 - Age 13.
I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck .
I can't believe I did that. I canNOT believe I did that.
Yesterday, I called Jared. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Hey Jared, um, you can hook up with Vivian.
Jared: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: (sighs) Yeah.
Jared: Oh. Why?
Me: I... I dunno. But, but we can still be "friends with benefits," you know what that is?
Jared: (Miserably) Yes.
Me: Bye.
Jared: (Says in a grave whisper) Bye.
If I was miserable with Jared, that's nothing to how I feel without him. So I went to Selena's, and she was all excited. Big help. I swear, this is the worst thing I've ever done in my life.
And just a few hours before I did that, I was imagining doing it with him!
Really. Like I imagined myself on top of him, and then I slowly take his shirt off, and I raise my arms and he takes off mine... never going to happen!!
I just called him. I don't think he wants me back. He asked for Vivian's number.
"Why?" I asked, my eyes filling up with misery and regret.
"Well, not for that reason. Just to talk to her."
"Right," I said, sniffing. "Well, Jared, um... uh.... uhhhh... well I... um... I was... I don't know why I broke up with you."
"You don't?"
"No! And if you... uh... like maybe if you wanted, I could take you back but... I think you'd rather go out with Vivian now."
"Yeah. Well, Kaytee, you're really cool, and I like you a lot, and I really appreciate you for being with me."
"But you'd rather be with Vivian now. Okay."
"I gotta go now."
"Bye."
"See ya."
If Vivian says yes when he asks her out, I'll never speak to her again. It's one thing when you hook up with your friend's ex, but it's quite another when your friend is still in love with said ex.
If I see another picture of Jared, I'll cry.
If I ever see them kiss or get affectionate, I'll kill myself.
I feel just like Lilly in Princess Diaries when she made out with Jangbu in front of Boris, and then broke Boris' heart, and at first she was all whatever (I wasn't, soon as I did it, I wished I would die), but then Boris dropped a globe on his head since Lilly wouldn't take him back and she realized what she'd done and how much she loved him, but before she could react, it was too late - he was with Tina.
Only Jared was the one who made all the mistakes. I don't think I made any, except of course having that gay meaningless dream and falling in love with that... that... dude.
*sigh* Well, let's look on the bright side. Since Jared is so eager to get with Vivian after only one day since the break up, he never really loved me, so why get back with a guy who doesn't love you but he does your ex-best friend (I don't feel like glancing in her direction again)? After all, I can just get a better guy.
Oh wait, that's the darkest side of all.
Anyway, all of a sudden, I lost all interest in everybody. Andrew, Taylor, RJ. The only guy I need in my life is Jared.
I'll have to face it. I think I have more similarities with Lilly than with Mia now.
Excuse me. I think I'll go have a good cry now.
***
The thing is, even if I told myself that breaking up with him was for the better, it's just not believable. A mind in love is irrational. It's really pointless to tell a girl that she should dump her boyfriend who she claims to love, because she will be blinded to his faults. (However, if she is being beaten, be persistent.)
Jared called me a million times that day asking me to look up Vivian's number. I didn't know it, and not only was he irritating me, but it sucked that he seemed to care so little about the fact that I dumped him and was now desperately seeking the affections of another girl. He eventually contacted her though. He asked her out. She said no.
I really had no reason to be threatened by Vivian. She was a loyal friend.
Jared and I got back together a couple days later.
I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck I suck .
I can't believe I did that. I canNOT believe I did that.
Yesterday, I called Jared. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Hey Jared, um, you can hook up with Vivian.
Jared: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: (sighs) Yeah.
Jared: Oh. Why?
Me: I... I dunno. But, but we can still be "friends with benefits," you know what that is?
Jared: (Miserably) Yes.
Me: Bye.
Jared: (Says in a grave whisper) Bye.
If I was miserable with Jared, that's nothing to how I feel without him. So I went to Selena's, and she was all excited. Big help. I swear, this is the worst thing I've ever done in my life.
And just a few hours before I did that, I was imagining doing it with him!
Really. Like I imagined myself on top of him, and then I slowly take his shirt off, and I raise my arms and he takes off mine... never going to happen!!
I just called him. I don't think he wants me back. He asked for Vivian's number.
"Why?" I asked, my eyes filling up with misery and regret.
"Well, not for that reason. Just to talk to her."
"Right," I said, sniffing. "Well, Jared, um... uh.... uhhhh... well I... um... I was... I don't know why I broke up with you."
"You don't?"
"No! And if you... uh... like maybe if you wanted, I could take you back but... I think you'd rather go out with Vivian now."
"Yeah. Well, Kaytee, you're really cool, and I like you a lot, and I really appreciate you for being with me."
"But you'd rather be with Vivian now. Okay."
"I gotta go now."
"Bye."
"See ya."
If Vivian says yes when he asks her out, I'll never speak to her again. It's one thing when you hook up with your friend's ex, but it's quite another when your friend is still in love with said ex.
If I see another picture of Jared, I'll cry.
If I ever see them kiss or get affectionate, I'll kill myself.
I feel just like Lilly in Princess Diaries when she made out with Jangbu in front of Boris, and then broke Boris' heart, and at first she was all whatever (I wasn't, soon as I did it, I wished I would die), but then Boris dropped a globe on his head since Lilly wouldn't take him back and she realized what she'd done and how much she loved him, but before she could react, it was too late - he was with Tina.
Only Jared was the one who made all the mistakes. I don't think I made any, except of course having that gay meaningless dream and falling in love with that... that... dude.
*sigh* Well, let's look on the bright side. Since Jared is so eager to get with Vivian after only one day since the break up, he never really loved me, so why get back with a guy who doesn't love you but he does your ex-best friend (I don't feel like glancing in her direction again)? After all, I can just get a better guy.
Oh wait, that's the darkest side of all.
Anyway, all of a sudden, I lost all interest in everybody. Andrew, Taylor, RJ. The only guy I need in my life is Jared.
I'll have to face it. I think I have more similarities with Lilly than with Mia now.
Excuse me. I think I'll go have a good cry now.
***
The thing is, even if I told myself that breaking up with him was for the better, it's just not believable. A mind in love is irrational. It's really pointless to tell a girl that she should dump her boyfriend who she claims to love, because she will be blinded to his faults. (However, if she is being beaten, be persistent.)
Jared called me a million times that day asking me to look up Vivian's number. I didn't know it, and not only was he irritating me, but it sucked that he seemed to care so little about the fact that I dumped him and was now desperately seeking the affections of another girl. He eventually contacted her though. He asked her out. She said no.
I really had no reason to be threatened by Vivian. She was a loyal friend.
Jared and I got back together a couple days later.
May 11, 2009
(35) Summer Before Eighth Grade
July 4, 3:37 AM, 2005 - Age 13.
Okay, so I didn't exactly finish. But that's not important. Hell, it was a month ago.
Lately, I'm really having my doubts about this whole Jared thing.
On wait, you know what? He likes Vivian. Like that. Not like I didn't know it already, but he actually admitted it to me. The fact that it's all true and there's verbal proof from he himself just makes it all more depressing. I asked him why he likes her. He said because she's nice and pretty. Okay, maybe she is a little friendly, but pretty? Okay, if Vivian is pretty, that means Michael Jackson looks like Brad Pitt! I mean, Jared has medical problems, but now I'm scared that it's more serious than I thought it was.
The fact that he's asking me if it'll be alright with me if he does it with her kind of puts the cherry on top of the sundae though.
I'm miserable.
I know I talked about Jared like he was the best thing in the world, but have you noticed that I've been more depressed with it more than I've been happy with it?
(Skip the extremely off-topic rant about hot guys and thongs.)
Anyway, one day me and Catie and her bro went to Splashtown. For some reason, I got mad and yelled at her, so she walked off on her own, while her bro and I did these log crossing things that I liked so much. Well, I don't know. Maybe it was Andrew's grayish-blue eyes, but I sorta fell for him. I mean, he is a little chubby (not TOO much - he can fix it without a problem if he wanted) and his hair is totally not that long (you know how I get around long-haired dudes!). But really, I sorta kinda felt something, like a lust. I mean, he's a year older than me. It isn't a big age different, ya know?
Anyway, after my birthday bash (surprise party! awesome! describe later), it was around 11:00, and the lat people left were Amy, Ashley, and Catie, and me of course. Earlier me and Jared were making out in the backyard after everyone except those girls listed left, while the chicks were totally watching us. Ashley even took a picture of us kissing only Jared's head was in the way and my belly is totally hanging out since my shirt had risen due to the fact I have to stand on my tip-toes in order to reach Jared's lips. Well, Amy was just swooning about how excited she gets when she sees people making out (just like me! Really, Amy is so much cooler than I thought she was!! She's the best!) and how awesome Amado is (ugh!), when Catie says, "Kaytee, I bet you $10 that Andrew likes you. I'm totally serious. I know my brother. And he likes you, chick." All I did was smile and shrug like I didn't give a shit, but really, I kinda felt excited. I hope he's at her birthday party on Saturday (he will - he's her bro. Duh!) because I'm totally going to grab him and give him a big sloppy one of the lips. I don't care if Jared's watching. He can do the same to Vivian. But I'm gonna do it! But before then, no one must know how I feel. I mean, he's Catie's brother! I'm a little worried about how Catie'll feel about it all though. I mean, her best friend hooking up with her brother? I hope she understands...
Anyway, about the party. I spent the day at Larissa's just chillin', you know? We were going to "see the 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' at 7:00." But Connie told me my mom wanted me to stop by the house to get cash. So we get there, I open the door, and I see a bunch of red glittery streamer things hanging there. You know what I thought that second? I thought, "Woh, Ma's redecorating. That looks cool!" But then I see Selena's face, and then Nicole's, and Amy's, Vivian's, Ashley's, Catie's... and then Jared! "SURPRISE!!" they yell. I totally screamed my lungs out and ran into the bathroom, shaking with fear. I mean, my hair was jacked! My hair is so stubbornly straight that the only thing Connie's pro hair-curlers did was make my head a big fuzz ball!
I went back there after gussying up, and I could not stop shaking for 20 minutes, I was so shocked! I mean, I wasn't suspecting a damn thing. Anyway, we all went outside and chilled and took pics, and once it got dark, my dad turned on the strobe light and started DJing with Rhapsody. I swear, everyone was dancing! Selena said it was 10x better than any school dance! And I was shakin' my thang! And since the strobe makes the fan look frozen even when it's going full speed, Jared jumped up and almost put his finger through it, but he realized at the last minute it was on and yelled and drew back! It was hilarious! I'm laughing out loud at the memory! After people left, me, Ash, Amy, Catie, and Jared were the last ones and we went out back and posed for Ashley's camera. It's one of those cams where the photo just pops out. Some pics of me and Jared turned out so cute! Then Jared left, and we all went to my room and talked. I love it when it's just me, Catie, Ash and Amy. They're fun to talk to when together. Then Ash and Amy left, and at midnight, Catie did. It was fun.
Yeah.
It's almost 5:00 AM!
I'm gonna stay up all night and all day.
***
The best attack towards someone that intimidated me was to bash their appearance. Somehow, appearance was important to me yet I was totally capable of falling for the guys that didn't fit my "guy standards." Maybe that's because I pretended I liked all the guys in Seventeen, when really I loved the dorks. Vivian, anyway, was an exotic Mexican beauty. She was not ugly at all. I just liked saying so.
Initially, I wasn't going to have a 13th birthday party. I had planned a trip to Landa Park, an awesome water hole, but when my mom said Jared absolutely could not go, I became so depressed that I cancelled the entire party and declared I wouldn't go anywhere, ever, all summer. My mom probably realized the heartache I was going through and planned this surprise party. They did a pretty good job too. I did not suspect A THING. It was one of the best nights ever.
Okay, so I didn't exactly finish. But that's not important. Hell, it was a month ago.
Lately, I'm really having my doubts about this whole Jared thing.
On wait, you know what? He likes Vivian. Like that. Not like I didn't know it already, but he actually admitted it to me. The fact that it's all true and there's verbal proof from he himself just makes it all more depressing. I asked him why he likes her. He said because she's nice and pretty. Okay, maybe she is a little friendly, but pretty? Okay, if Vivian is pretty, that means Michael Jackson looks like Brad Pitt! I mean, Jared has medical problems, but now I'm scared that it's more serious than I thought it was.
The fact that he's asking me if it'll be alright with me if he does it with her kind of puts the cherry on top of the sundae though.
I'm miserable.
I know I talked about Jared like he was the best thing in the world, but have you noticed that I've been more depressed with it more than I've been happy with it?
(Skip the extremely off-topic rant about hot guys and thongs.)
Anyway, one day me and Catie and her bro went to Splashtown. For some reason, I got mad and yelled at her, so she walked off on her own, while her bro and I did these log crossing things that I liked so much. Well, I don't know. Maybe it was Andrew's grayish-blue eyes, but I sorta fell for him. I mean, he is a little chubby (not TOO much - he can fix it without a problem if he wanted) and his hair is totally not that long (you know how I get around long-haired dudes!). But really, I sorta kinda felt something, like a lust. I mean, he's a year older than me. It isn't a big age different, ya know?
Anyway, after my birthday bash (surprise party! awesome! describe later), it was around 11:00, and the lat people left were Amy, Ashley, and Catie, and me of course. Earlier me and Jared were making out in the backyard after everyone except those girls listed left, while the chicks were totally watching us. Ashley even took a picture of us kissing only Jared's head was in the way and my belly is totally hanging out since my shirt had risen due to the fact I have to stand on my tip-toes in order to reach Jared's lips. Well, Amy was just swooning about how excited she gets when she sees people making out (just like me! Really, Amy is so much cooler than I thought she was!! She's the best!) and how awesome Amado is (ugh!), when Catie says, "Kaytee, I bet you $10 that Andrew likes you. I'm totally serious. I know my brother. And he likes you, chick." All I did was smile and shrug like I didn't give a shit, but really, I kinda felt excited. I hope he's at her birthday party on Saturday (he will - he's her bro. Duh!) because I'm totally going to grab him and give him a big sloppy one of the lips. I don't care if Jared's watching. He can do the same to Vivian. But I'm gonna do it! But before then, no one must know how I feel. I mean, he's Catie's brother! I'm a little worried about how Catie'll feel about it all though. I mean, her best friend hooking up with her brother? I hope she understands...
Anyway, about the party. I spent the day at Larissa's just chillin', you know? We were going to "see the 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' at 7:00." But Connie told me my mom wanted me to stop by the house to get cash. So we get there, I open the door, and I see a bunch of red glittery streamer things hanging there. You know what I thought that second? I thought, "Woh, Ma's redecorating. That looks cool!" But then I see Selena's face, and then Nicole's, and Amy's, Vivian's, Ashley's, Catie's... and then Jared! "SURPRISE!!" they yell. I totally screamed my lungs out and ran into the bathroom, shaking with fear. I mean, my hair was jacked! My hair is so stubbornly straight that the only thing Connie's pro hair-curlers did was make my head a big fuzz ball!
I went back there after gussying up, and I could not stop shaking for 20 minutes, I was so shocked! I mean, I wasn't suspecting a damn thing. Anyway, we all went outside and chilled and took pics, and once it got dark, my dad turned on the strobe light and started DJing with Rhapsody. I swear, everyone was dancing! Selena said it was 10x better than any school dance! And I was shakin' my thang! And since the strobe makes the fan look frozen even when it's going full speed, Jared jumped up and almost put his finger through it, but he realized at the last minute it was on and yelled and drew back! It was hilarious! I'm laughing out loud at the memory! After people left, me, Ash, Amy, Catie, and Jared were the last ones and we went out back and posed for Ashley's camera. It's one of those cams where the photo just pops out. Some pics of me and Jared turned out so cute! Then Jared left, and we all went to my room and talked. I love it when it's just me, Catie, Ash and Amy. They're fun to talk to when together. Then Ash and Amy left, and at midnight, Catie did. It was fun.
Yeah.
It's almost 5:00 AM!
I'm gonna stay up all night and all day.
***
The best attack towards someone that intimidated me was to bash their appearance. Somehow, appearance was important to me yet I was totally capable of falling for the guys that didn't fit my "guy standards." Maybe that's because I pretended I liked all the guys in Seventeen, when really I loved the dorks. Vivian, anyway, was an exotic Mexican beauty. She was not ugly at all. I just liked saying so.
Initially, I wasn't going to have a 13th birthday party. I had planned a trip to Landa Park, an awesome water hole, but when my mom said Jared absolutely could not go, I became so depressed that I cancelled the entire party and declared I wouldn't go anywhere, ever, all summer. My mom probably realized the heartache I was going through and planned this surprise party. They did a pretty good job too. I did not suspect A THING. It was one of the best nights ever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)